On Motivation Part II - Being mentally tough and making use of haters

Several hours ago today, I was working on a completely different entry for this blog when something occurred that greatly disturbed my equilibrium – so much so that my chest got tight, and I found it slightly difficult to breathe. I had to stop writing, go change clothes, jog through the rain and to the gym, and do a work out (lower body + abs) to relieve my stress.

But let me rewind to give you some context.

As I mentioned in a previous post – and really it’s abundantly clear on its own, without being voiced – a blog is damn near useless unless people read it (and, I might add, think about what they read).

Now, I’ve been disappointingly lazy when it comes to marketing my blog online through the blogosphere, partly because technology is not at all my forte, and partly because I value creating substantial content first, before selling empty air. Still, I do realize I need to get more people reading right away.

With that in mind, this morning I took a quick inventory of what I am good at doing and came up with…showing up in person.

Sometimes to places I don’t really have any place showing up to.

Being that Olin College of Engineering is where I found three awesome people to work with and bounce ideas off of (shoutout to Alyshia, Hari, and Colin), and being that there are only 300 or so students there (read, manageable), I decided upon Olin as my first target.

Milas Hall – that’s where Olin’s library is located – opens to the general public at 9 AM on Mondays through Fridays, so a little after 8:30 or so I got in my car and drove over. I arrived almost right at 9, parked my car in Lot B, and hauled my printer over to Milas. (I keep my printer in my car because I often find myself in situations where I need on-the-spot printing. Really.)

I went into one of their closed-off rooms so as not to be noisy, quickly made a poster on Word that I thought was at least moderately enticing, then printed out 50 copies. Then I went to a few of their buildings – they only have five – and did the simplest version of the whole guerilla-marketing thing.

That is, I left an obnoxious amount of posters – on every single public table in the entry level of their library, on every single public table of their academic building (on all four floors), and on a few of the bulletin boards in their campus center.

No big deal, right? It was a quick job, though by the end of it I was sweating a bit from lugging around the printer.

Afterwards, I drove over to Wellesley College nearby – I already had some business to look into – and put up the remaining posters there. Several very kind women there, either professors or administrators I’d guess, even offered to put up a few on their department bulletin boards.

I drove home thinking to myself, a good morning’s work. Mental pat on the back for this guy.

Now, flash forward to the pseudo-angina-inducing event.

I opened my email and found this (I’ve concealed the contact info for the sender):

Date: Mon, 30 Nov 2009 11:49:17 -0600

From:

Subject: Who even are you?

To: "dhu13@uchicago.edu" <dhu13@uchicago.edu>

And why are these signs on my campus? I'm honestly kind of offended that you think I might care about your money or your blog. Your flyers are litter. I'm trashing them.

For a brief moment, my world crashed in on me.

Now I’m a very tough person, mentally (physically, not so much). Probably one of the toughest I know – and I’m not one to exaggerate my strengths.

Things that bother most people don’t faze me the slightest.  And that’s probably just a product of the fact that I don’t care about most of the things most people care about. The fact that I value being true to my (constantly evolving) self more than I value fitting in.

When people give me shit, I immediately internalize it. Note that I said I internalize it. I don’t block it out, or ignore it, or dismiss it. I internalize it.

Here’s the thing about being mentally tough.

It does NOT mean you are callous. In fact, hardening yourself to the world is nothing but a façade for deep insecurity. That’s the equivalent to having “a left hook that would move a tank” but “a heart the size of a split pea,” to quote Clint Eastwood’s Million Dollar Baby. You can knock out all of your feelings, but you’re still small on the inside. You don’t have heart.

George Bernard Shaw would go so far as to say that being indifferent is not only cowardly, but inhumane as well:

“Indifference is the essence of inhumanity.”



And this draws an interesting parallel with the state of people who suffer from severe depression – we become so indifferent to everything that we truly feel like we are not human.

But that is a hefty tangent topic for a separate post on a separate occasion.

For now, let’s return to the story:

I opened this email, and it brought back in one flood of emotion all of the doubts I had in myself during the past few weeks.

I’m not sure you’ve ever been in this kind of situation (I touched on what it’s like in an earlier post, “On Change – Making the best of it”). But when you are outside of the mainstream, and don’t really have any set place in society, you pretty much have one of two options.

1 You pass time in isolation, and unable to force any sort of discipline or structure upon yourself, you underachieve and squander your potential away. You blame these failures on simply not being in the right place, at the right time, with the right people.

But I’ve always thought that the loss of human potential is one of the most heart-breaking things in the universe, and it’s infinitely more pathetic if it’s due to your own agency, or lack thereof.

Option 1 clearly doesn’t work for me.

2 You seek out and create the environment you need to thrive in, overcoming all barriers that stand in your way to do so. You find the right places, wait preparedly for chance to favor you, and forge the connections with the people you need.

Much better. (sorry I sound like a motivational speaker, but I’m being honest here)

This is what I did at Olin. I also did it at Babson and at Wellesley.

I showed up.

Now keep in mind, this will only work if you have a firm purpose in mind. Nobody’s going to be receptive to you if you just go there and mess around.

But I knew exactly what I wanted: to start a social venture that will help smart driven college students suffering from depression – the “motivated depressed” – overcome their depression.

And because of this firmness of purpose and my willingness to show up, I opened up a whole new world for myself (with the help of many people, of course).

Along the way, I’ve encountered many obstacles, both situational and Homo sapien. The situational ones don’t bother me so much, because they are usually of the binary type – you either can change them, or you can’t.

But the human obstacles – doubters, haters, and naysayers – they kill me sometimes.

Because I know they can be changed.

I know there are some people out there who hate my guts. People who resent me for not “paying my dues” by getting a degree at “my own” college. People who despise me for free-riding on their resources.

To be honest, I understand their point of view. Sometimes when I feel their resentment – and it really can be a tangible real feeling – I feel ashamed of myself. Call it induced shame, or shame by osmosis.

Seriously, there’s no question, there have been times when I’ve used resources in ways that I’ve been uncomfortable with.

Holding my head high and keeping respect for myself during these times require me to be mentally tough.

Just to be clear, I don’t see myself as some sort of moral crusader on a path to save the world (who can therefore disregard rules and do as he pleases). No, I acknowledge that I am enormously flawed. I identify as a moral pragmatist, and sometimes I do things for the sake of convenience/expediency.

I do take shelter in the fact that ultimately I mean well, and that I not only mean well, but have the guts, the smarts, and the perseverance to do well.

Which I believe is a lot more than a lot of rule-abiding people can say.

There are a lot of inoffensive people in this world, but not quite so many effective people in this world – people who can get things done.

There is no question in my mind that I am one of these people, though only time will prove me right.

I hope that one day more people will be able to see this way – will be willing to break rules and forego policy for the sake of getting things done.

But in the meantime, I take shit from the haters, and I have my mechanisms for coping with this shit.

I internalize all criticism. Which means that it sticks with me – lingers on my mind long after it is said. If I find there’s truth to it, I incorporate it. I change myself. When you’re in unknown territory, you’re going to make mistakes. As long as you correct them and don’t repeat them, you’re doing great. But if I find the criticism to be shallow, reactionary, and useless, I use the hater's ignorance and spiteful words to fuel my ambition.

I keep in mind who I am, where I come from, and how much I’ve struggled to get to where I am. I remember how grateful I am for what I have, and how I intend to repay all of my debts. I remember my roots. They’re called roots for a reason – they ground you, hold you steady in times of difficulty.

I stay mentally tough.



And that’s exactly what I did when I received that email. My world crashed for a moment, but I gathered myself and responded with a kind and understanding email (not a scathing reply).

And you know what?

Once the guy found out more about my situation and about the blog (and really this was my mistake – a marketing mistake – for not including specifics on what the blog was about), he gave me some useful advice and wished me good luck.

TO RECAP AND SUMMARIZE:

I suspect there will always be those who see me as an intrusive asshole who has no respect for policy. Here's how I deal with it:

-I continue to show up, and don't let anything shake my firmness of purpose

-I internalize all criticism, using the good criticism to change myself, and using the useless criticism to fuel my ambition

-I remember my roots

-I stay grateful for everything I have, for all the people that have supported me, and remember that one day I will repay them back in full and more

I'm going to end with two quotes that I resonate with:

"N- n- now th- that don't kill me

Can only make me stronger..."

-Kanye West's way overplayed "Stronger"

And George Bernard Shaw again:

"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man."

Sometimes you just have to do what you know you have to do.

-David

[nsn_quick_feedback]