The basis for said self-hatred could be something as trivial as a scar on a knee, or something as momentous as your own race, or perhaps something less tangible, like a regretted decision. But unless you were inexcusably well-adjusted, and managed to stay so even through the horror of puberty, you didn’t always like yourself.
There’s something mean, something severe, something downright bully about the human psyche that zeroes in on imperfections.
I’d hazard it’s likely that in my life, I’ve hated myself to an extent that most of you have never even hated anyone else, or any other thing. As often is the case, much of this self-hatred was unjustified and had more to do with my youth and immaturity than anything else.
But there are some major decisions I’ve made that I still regret today.
Learning to forgive yourself is crucial to moving forward with your life.
Part of earning forgiveness is taking action to right your wrongs. This may involve crisis management for an explosive situation, or sucking it up and apologizing when you know you were wrong.
But at a certain point, it becomes entirely internal – it’s all about you. Only you can decide when the time’s come to let go and move on.
My advice to you – if you’re not sure if it’s okay yet to forgive yourself, just go ahead and do it. Life’s too short for such internal squabbles. There’s already so much to deal with on the outside, you can’t afford to rage at yourself on the interior.
Trust Jay-Z on this one:
This is the number one rule for your set
In order to survive, gotta learn to live with regrets
On the, rise to the top, many drop, don't forget
In order to survive, gotta learn to live with regrets
-Jay-Z in his song “Regrets” on his album “Reasonable Doubt”
I’d like to share with you today a trick I use to strengthen the courage I have to forgive myself. Make no mistake – it takes great courage to forgive yourself for your wrongs, each and every day. But it gets easier with time. Here goes:
I end all of my showers cold. Freezing cold, as cold as the water will get. Once I’m done with the hot part of the shower, I don’t allow myself any hesitation in turning the shower faucet all the way cold. This takes time to be able to do (at least it did for me), and you never really completely lose that desire to stay warm. But it strengthens your will.
I work my way up starting from my feet. Rubbing in the cold water after it hits my body (and I hear this is good for your circulation and your immune system, especially after the rapid switch from hot to cold), I move up to my legs, then back, then chest, then arms. I remind myself to keep breathing and stay loose, because your body’s initial reaction from the initial cool will be to tense up and suspend breathing.
Once I’m done with my body, I finish with my head. I let the freezing cold water rain down on me, eyes closed at first. (If you read my earlier post on faith, now’s not a bad time for some gratitude)
Then, when I’m ready, I open my eyes.
Cold water still rains down on head and face – it takes a little suspension of instinct to do this, because you want to protect your eyes from the water. While this happens, I forgive myself.
I don’t always think of specifics. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t. But I forgive myself.
Forgiveness is a feeling. For me, it’s feeling alive.
If I’ve done it all right, I feel completely alive. Ready to craft the day with my own hands and mind and heart and will.
I’ve washed away my regrets, knowing that I haven’t avoided them but confronted them.
And I’ve forgiven myself.
-David
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