Chronicle - Intro

Some time ago, after an inspirational team meeting where we all decided to commit and go for it, Hari sent me this text message:

Advice to you if you don't mind: Chronicle everything. The progression, the ideas, the motives, the inspiration, and the events. One year later, you'll have

Mar 30, 11:15 PM

everything you need to put a book together.

Mar 30, 11:15 PM

Every 2-3 days if possible

Mar 30, 11:16 PM

***

When I first started this blog, I had pretty grandiose notions of what it could accomplish. I thought that if I just created the right inspirational content and got it into the hands of the right people, the whole world would come together to "solve" college depression. My hope was that college students struggling with depression would stumble across my blog, find a friend in my words, and find the courage to take action to overcome their depression.

Reality check - didn't happen.

What did happen, roughly:

1 I rambled.

2 I made an ass of myself trying to publicize these ramblings.

The third thing that happened, I think, was that my (soon-to-be) team saw how crazy I was (see 1 and 2), and for whatever combination of reasons decided to take the time to give me a little direction. Eventually, they decided to join me.

Thank you, blog.

***

But this story doesn't have a happy ending.

Just a few weeks after Hari sent me that message, we fell apart. As anyone who's ever tried to start a venture probably knows, it's hard as hell to keep a team together (especially when you're broke).

To be honest, sometimes I feel like I've failed. Big time.

But then I remember that failure is only failure if you haven't learned anything from it.

With that in mind, and at both Hari's and Colin's suggestions (and with Dan's blessing), I've decided to briefly chronicle what happened this past half year or so. If nothing else, it'll help me sort out just what there is to learn from this whole experience.

Man, do I hate writing. Retroactively, I always come off somewhat more juvenile, sentimental, arrogant, self-centered, inconsiderate, irrelevant, or just plain crazy than I'd like to...

-David

Update - Indefinite Hiatus

Hey all,

I've decided to take an indefinite hiatus from writing. There are many reasons, but perhaps the most important:

I've found that the moment I get into a didactic mindset, I become incredibly boring.

As for our venture, my team will be spending the next few months really getting to know college students who are struggling with depression, primarily in the Boston and NYC areas. We hope to gain the type of understanding that will allow us to shape our venture into something much more specifically and intimately connected to the needs of those who are struggling with depression. This will take a significant amount of time, but when it comes to designing a potential solution, we absolutely are thinking long-term. Who knows what will come, but we know we're going to learn a hell of a lot.

I don't know when I'll next be back to write again, but for now, I'll leave you with this:

Do the things that will make you proud.

Struggle as hard as you can for whatever you believe in.

Corny and generic as they are, these are pretty much the only two rules I live by. I've found that in the face of uncertainty, when no one else is willing - or even able - to give me guidance, these two rules get me by. I've made a lot of mistakes, but I don't regret them because I know I live by these two rules and always will.

Best of luck.

-David

Permanence - Taking a picture in the Chinese countryside (I just wanna BE)

I recently spent some time in China over the Chinese (lunar) New Year. Let me share with you today a brief incident that reminded me of an important lesson.

Now, I’m normally not a picture taker. I don’t like lugging around a camera because I feel like it inhibits my freedom, and there’s always been something false about photos that I dislike. How easy it is to misrepresent the past with the artistic hand/eye of a photographer and some conjured emotion from the photographed subjects! (The exception would be action shots or candids – the genuine stuff)

On the other hand, there’s something awfully nice about flipping through old photos every once in a while. The passing of time sweetens even the shittiest of memories, and (for me) photographs remind me of this. Plus it’s nice to have some record of your existence – I admit, if it weren’t for the photo-snapping proclivities of others, I would have passed through young adulthood a photographic ghost.

Anyway, one morning I took a walk for a few hours in the Chinese countryside, camera in tow. There’s something real about China (esp the countryside) that strongly resonates with me, and despite China’s frenzied efforts to commercialize and industrialize, etc, this quality of real is gonna be there for quite some time, I think. Often when I’m in the States, I miss that realness terribly. So I try to capture it on camera when I get the chance.

Being sort of an outlier in the countryside (in terms of dress, height, general mannerisms, etc) I drew some funny looks just walking by. But when I started to take pictures of mundane everyday things (mundane and everyday for them) I started to get the sense that people thought I was bonkers.

Frankly, though, most people didn’t really care. That’s something about China (at least certain parts of China) that I really enjoy – everybody can pretty much do their own thing, and as long as you’re not massively destroying things, etc, people won’t really pay you any mind. In this sense, it reminds me a little of NYC – there’s a strong sense of anonymity, where everyone is too preoccupied with their own business to care about you.



The point is, to them I was just another oddity, perhaps a little further out on the spectrum of strange, but just a passing transient oddity nonetheless. No big deal.

Some people even engaged in good natured small-talk. A woman from amongst a group of trash workers I photographed (excuse the translation):

“What are you photographing?”

“Oh, excuse me, I’m from America. Just curious…” (If in doubt, play the “I’m an ignorant American who finds your plain everyday reality utterly fascinating” card)

“America? Go home and show them how hard we work! On New Year’s too!” she said with a hearty (somewhat weary) laugh.

***

But one man who happened to be in the background of a photo I took was offended. Or at least pretty pissed off. I could tell.

“What are you looking at?” he said, subtly angry.

That’s another thing about the Chinese that I’ve noticed – in initial exchanges, even strong emotions are conveyed only latently. There’s a lot of restrained passion, I think, and if you’re not aware of this layer of restraint, you may not even notice what runs beneath it. (I may be wrong, haven’t really spent much time there, but that’s the feel I get)

Anyway, this man’s response set me thinking.

What right did I have to take these photos? To disturb his privacy? Intrude on his way of life? Etc. I immediately vowed to be more sensitive about other people’s privacy in the future.

But all this then led (and I followed) to another train of thought, separate but related.

What is really so valuable about taking photos anyway?

***

The more I consider it, the more I see the importance of living in the moment.



Live each moment like it’s your last. It’s cliché, but it’s damn good advice.

Taking photos can be nice, but when it gets to the point that the photos outstrip your own experience of an event, that’s just absurd.

Let’s face it. No matter how much we may want to preserve a good memory, it’s ultimately not that important to do so.

I say this as a writer – as someone who has a strong tendency to chronicle, and who naturally plays up the significance of things. (Writing is just photography w/language, no? It’s more stealth, of course…)

I say this as someone who believes memories are the most valuable things a person can accumulate in his or her life – more valuable than money, than recognition, etc.

I say this as someone who uses past memories as a powerful source of motivation in my life – as anchors to keep me going through tough times.

But I say this as someone who sees that what truly is vitally important is to learn to live in the here and now.

When I think hard on it, perhaps the most important thing in life is to learn to become independent.



At least from the perspective of trying to be happy, independence is crucial.

Independence from other people. Independence from external events. And independence from the past (and future).

The fact is, people are inconsistent. I know this because I am inconsistent. I’m sure if I read over old posts on this blog, I’d disagree with some of the things I wrote. And that’s fine – that’s good, because if you’re not changing as you go along, you’re doing something wrong. But don’t put too much hope in others, because that’s just not sustainable.

External events are largely out of your control. There are simply too many factors to consider – life is too dynamic.

And the past? As sweet as memories can be, they’re still just that – memories. The notion of being “washed up” or “out of one’s prime” is pure horseshit, I think. Even if there were some truth to it, you shouldn’t take such a defeatist approach. Each day holds the potential for new discovery, so carpe diem like hell.

Don’t try to hold on to the past. Let go, and really live and try to put a fresh spin on each new day.

***

I write this post at an interesting time for me.

On the one hand, my many obligations are leaving me less and less time to write for joy (for example, for this blog). I’m also increasingly feeling a sense of futility that comes with writing – the fact is, not many people know how to bridge the (supposed) gap between reading and changing one’s life. We’re out there, but we’re definitely in the minority, I’d say.

On the other hand, I have a lot of stories I’d like to get down, partly because I think they’re illustrative of good ideas, and partly because I take joy in doing so – as mentioned, writing satisfies for me a strong urge to chronicle.

And don’t get me wrong, chronicling is important! After all, that’s how “civilization” started, right? Certainly, once we start the pilot program for our social venture, I’ll be doing a hell of a lot of chronicling.

But I am someone who majorly struggles with living in the moment. Sometimes I am immobilized by past memories. And even in fresh exciting situations, I sometimes catch myself up in my head, preoccupied with this or that, rather than appreciating the gift of experiencing the now.

I’ll be working hard to change this. And to some extent, this means I’ll be writing less – chronicling less – and living more.

I hope you will too.

I’ll also be working hard to strike the balance between long-term plans (plans that require blind focus and sheer will to the exclusion of many other things, all in the name of “the big picture” goal) and living in the moment.

Which, when you think about it, is an even bigger picture way of looking at things – more important than even “success” and “achievement” and all that.

If you don’t trust me on this, try a few words from the Bible (I don’t care if you’re not religious, there’s some good stuff there, and it’s actually not a bad read):

Ecclesiastes



The words of the Teacher, son of David, king in Jerusalem:

“Meaningless! Meaningless!”

says the Teacher.

“Utterly meaningless!

Everything is meaningless.”

In the various sections of Ecclesiastes, the Teacher’s proclamation is explained under various subheadings, among them: Wisdom is meaningless. Pleasures are meaningless. Toil is meaningless. Advancement is meaningless. And so on.

There’s some really good stuff there, but for purposes of today, here’s the take home message:

“A man can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in his work.”



In other words, live in the moment.

***

I know this post was sort of rambling/incoherent, it’s been a while, but here’s what I was trying to convey:

Nothing is forever.



You can’t have anything forever, so don’t cling. (Especially don’t cling to a negative/harmful sense of self – no matter how fucked up you think you are, you can change, because that’s not forever either)

Specifically when it comes to photo-obsessing, I rather like the old African belief that every picture taken of you steals a tiny bit of your soul from you. (Consider that before you embark upon a career in porn)



If you can really come to accept that nothing is forever, and learn to let go, you can derive a great deal of strength from that realization. It frees you to

Live in the moment.



Learn to live with independence, including independence from the past and the future.



Live in the here and now.

***

And you know what? Many of the peasants in the Chinese countryside intuitively understand this. They don't often have the luxury to constantly indulge in memories, which can so often be counterproductive or even harmful. So they don't.

There's something beautiful about living each day for itself, not for glory, not for the story, not for permanence, not for anything...

I guess what I'm trying to say is, life is beautiful itself, even if there's no deeper meaning to it.

The peasant who got angry at me for taking his picture - he was just living his life, standing outside with his family and friends, living in the moment.

Until I rudely fucked that up. I'm sorry, and I know I'll be careful to be more respectful in the future, but I definitely learned something...

***

I want to be as free as the spirits of those who left

...

Never looking back or too far in front of me

The present is a gift

And I just wanne BE.

-Common in his album "Be"

***

-David

The Work of Psychoanalysts in the Public Health Sector - Intro (The concept of “containment”)

Been reading this book (title above, edited by Mary Brownescombe Heller and Sheena Pollet) that according to the back cover “provides a comprehensive insight into the ways in which psychoanalysts think and work.”

Here are some thoughts on the concept of “containment,” as illustrated through the lens of parent-infant relationship.

"CONTAINMENT"

 

THE THEORY (described by Bion, 1962, paraphrased here):

-Baby depends on mother to manage said baby’s “unbearable experience” which baby can convey to her w/o words (through gestures, etc).

-Baby disposes this unbearable or unmanageable experience (labeled a beta element) to mother by projecting it on her

-Mother takes in this unmanageable experience, reflects on it (reverie), then returns this to the child in the form of a modified, more bearable experience (alpha element). Returning the reflected-on beta element, for the mother, is performing her alpha function.

-Alpha elements can be used for thinking, so the baby can then think a rudimentary thought.

-The whole process is containment. Bion considered it a “crucial factor in the infant’s developing the capacity to manage his own experience and to think.”

 

COMMON SENSE TRANSLATION (in case you didnt get it the first time around)

-Baby conveys difficult emotions through gestures, aura, crude baby-like sounds, etc.

(Poor) tennis analogy: On the ad-side, baby hits a mean kick serve to mother’s backhand.

-Mother processes the baby’s harsh emotions with her motherly wisdom, and returns a gentler more manageable response to the baby, again via gestures, aura, subtle facial expressions, etc.

With Agassi-like prowess, mother steps inside the baseline, takes the kick serve early with a compact backhand, almost no backswing, and remarkable reaction time. Unlike Agassi, she feathers this return to baby’s forehand, right in his comfort zone.

-Baby thinks, and therefore learns to deal with life, from mother’s returned (modified) response.

Baby drills a forehand winner down the line. He wins – at tennis, and at life, which tennis is supposedly a great representation of. He learns to think, on the court and off.

 

REAL-WORLD IMPLICATIONS

I believe we should be able to use this process of “containment” to develop the depressed person’s capacity to manage his own experience differently.

Sure, a college-student’s mind may not have the same level of plasticity as an infant’s, but I’d say we’re at an even more influenceable stage of life – perhaps even the most influenceable age. At least in terms of higher-level decision-making and cognitive choices (combined with the opportunity to explore), there’s no time like now for change.

And make no mistake, it’s entirely possible for someone, even with the severest depression and the most stubborn/unwilling personality, to change the way he manages his experiences.

Two people might experience the same or a similar experience. Due to personal factors/worldview/innate character traits, one might react positively (manage the experience well), and the other might react negatively (manage the experience poorly).

Is the second person doomed to forever poorly manage his experiences? Hell no. It’s never late to change, even (and perhaps especially) for someone of college age. I know because I did it. It's hard work, but it’s entirely possible.

 

THE QUESTION IS, HOW?

To what extent is talking useful? How about taking action (for instance, by embracing one's passions in the effort to develop a sense of self-worth)? Does action really have to be premeditated for a specific consequence in order for beneficial changes to take place? Etc.

I'll definitely have these kinds of questions in mind as we look to start the pilot program for our social venture.

Keep reading as I keep reading, and as I retrospect and extrapolate from my own life to try to figure out how to codify the process as much as possible.

The important thing is to turn all this theory into something:

1 Actionable

2 Scalable

Our venture will have limited impact unless we can find a way to do this.

Anyone have any ideas?

-David

“Dancing” – Intro (Your Individual Style)

Been reading “Dancing” by Ellen Jacob. Here are some quotes and thoughts from the first chapter, titled “Your Individual Style.”

***

“What makes you a good dancer is not trying to be someone you’re not…What makes you a good dancer is being yourself, but more so.”

Don’t know about you, but this reminds me of the “longing for your giant self” Kahlil Gibran spoke of in “The Prophet” (see my post On Education – Intro).

Seriously, you hear people talk about this kind of “embrace yourself” stuff all the time, and it sounds cliché, I know. I talk about it all the time, I guess, and sometimes I feel like I’m beating it to death. But it’s so true.

“Underneath all that you do ticks an individual style that makes you the inimitable person – and dancer – you are. The singular form and structure of your body, how they make you move, your sense of timing, your feelings and your experiences are the raw materials you have to work with as a dancer. However limiting they may seem sometimes, they are your lump of clay, ready to be kneaded and shaped into movement. Success – whether for yourself of before an audience – depends to a great extent on how effectively you can make your unique qualities of body and spirit work for you.”



I’m telling you, this is absolutely true. I’ve been through the wanting-to-be-someone-else thing before. To the extreme.

When I was still at UChicago as a premed (briefly), one factor that drove me further into my depression was the sense that no matter how hard I tried, I’d never be able to fit into the whole culture of medicine.

In my heart, I was sure I’d make for a good doctor – I had the genuine desire to work with people, the relentless work ethic (once I decided I wanted to be a doctor, I got straight A’s), the mental toughness, and the intelligence, both practical and academic.

But somehow I knew I just didn’t have that doctor persona, or at least the one that people typically associate with doctors. The fact is, it’s not the doctor persona that heals people – it’s the doctor. But med school admissions boards didn’t really seem hip to that, at least from what I could tell from my anally extensive research into admissions forums (every premed does this, all the time, it’s practically part of homeostasis for them). And frankly, our society values this persona so much, it’s gotten to the point where it might actually be important for patients in terms of the placebo effect.

But to get back to “Dancing.”

“Many dancers stop far short of realizing their potential because they feel they don’t fit some stereotyped notion of what a dancer should be. Or they make the mistake of trying to cram themselves into an ill-fitting mold. In doing so, they lose their greatest ally, the natural dancer within. For dancing is best and most enjoyable when you use it to express – not suppress – yourself. There is a mushrooming effect: The more of yourself you can put into dancing, the more satisfying it will be both for you and for others watching you.”

You see? Dancing is best when you use it to express yourself. And expressing yourself – being genuine – makes you a more attractive person to others too.

My friends sometimes say I’m socially awkward as hell. I’m also somewhat culturally retarded in terms of knowing things that people my age generally know. I don’t deny any of this – I just tend to think of it in a different light. Social awkwardness, if it’s the result of being genuine and expressing oneself, practically converges to confidence.

And we all know how sexy confidence is, right?

I’ve learned not to waste a single ounce of my energy trying to be anyone but myself. If I don’t feel like watching the Superbowl, then fuck the Superbowl. Some people may think I’m an idiot, but many people who get to know me seem to like me just fine.

I’m telling you, there exists an immediate understanding between two genuine people, an awareness, an intangible bond. Even if they have little in common, the fact that they’re genuine and that they pursue their own interests with passion – that’s the strongest basis for friendship there is.

I’ve been fortunate in my life to have met a few people like this, and these people are the ones I feel most kinship with. Just the thought of them serves as a shot of inspiration to the soul.

And you know what? Freeing myself from the stressful and energy-requiring “conforming process” allows me to devote myself to the loads of other way more interesting things out there. Like dancing, for example.

But back to “Dancing.”

“The pages of dance history are filled with accounts of dancers who learned to capitalize on what they could do rather than be limited by what they couldn’t change…Ironically, many of the concert pieces we see today are the product of a certain dancer’s inability to conform to the prevailing standards of his or her day. Steps, whole dances and entire movement styles have been invented out of a choreographer’s personal oddities – which have, in fact, turned out not to be limitations but openings into new ways of moving.”



I have Tourette’s syndrome. As an actor, I worry a lot about this. Trying to control my tics can be a pain in the ass. But sometimes I get the feeling that paying attention to them and trying to control them lends me an extra awareness of my body that gives me a leg up when it comes to acting. Perhaps this is just my way of trying to justify a weakness. But regardless, I’m excited to see how I maneuver around my Tourette’s as I try to get my acting career off the ground.



“If you wish to make the most of your dancing ability, you cannot afford to sacrifice your personal style by slavishly pursuing an ideal body form or a movement idiom that happens to be prized by current fashion…if you want to dance, and dance well, whatever you’ve got is all you need. Indeed it is the greatest thing you have to offer.”



“'Style is character,' exclaims novelist Joan Didion. Style is an act of courage.”

***

Have the sand to embrace your individual style and express yourself.

-David

[nsn_quick_feedback]

On Pride – Intro (Humility, a source of strength and pride)

Pride is a messy concept, and I guess it makes for a somewhat messy blog category too (Shame, Self Worth, Confidence, anyone?).

Top dog on the list of Cardinal Sins (7 Deadly Sins), we hear premonitions about how Pride will lead to your downfall, etc. No one likes an arrogant big-headed jerk unless they are one, right?

That being said, I think there are many things one can do to cultivate a sense of pride in oneself, and that taken together, these (sometimes very small) things can be a powerful antidote to depression.



With this in mind, I’ve decided to start a series of posts on Pride, of which this is the introductory post, where I will share my ideas and tips on how to cultivate a sense of pride in oneself.

For today, though, I’d like to go off track a little, stay more in the realm of the general, and discuss Humility.

There may be some people who think of humility as the converse of pride – who think the two are diametrically opposed.

I strongly disagree (though of course the terms themselves are pretty broad, and at a certain point it might just come to semantics). Let me explain:

For a while now, I’ve recognized an element of humility that I approach all of my endeavors with. This is somewhat difficult to explain, because on the one hand I tend to approach most things with the belief that I can conquer them, at least to a significant degree (and given a lot of hard work and a lot of time).

What I mean to convey is that I hold a tremendous respect, a reverence even, for the challenges I take on. Take acting, for example, a new pursuit of mine.

When I think of myself as an actor, I don’t think of myself as merely someone who is manipulating his body and his voice to achieve a certain desired effect, although that technically could be one way to define what an actor does.

No, I think much bigger than that. As an actor, I think of myself as someone who has the chance to uplift humanity. You know that magical feeling you get when you’re sitting in the theatre and you experience on the screen a moment so real, so true, it hits you strong, deep past just your immediate visual/auditory senses?

As an actor, I think of myself as one of many hopefuls – hopeful to one day earn the chance to create that feeling of magic.

And I am enormously proud to have this opportunity.

But I recognize that all of it together – all that is “Acting” – is far greater than any individual’s prowess or ability. (Even the mad skillz of Daniel Day Lewis. Damn he’s good.)

I recognize this when I think of all the people for whom going to the movies/theatre is their one chance for relief from the hardship of life – their chance for fantasy, for solace from reality. I think of all the brave artists who paved the way for this art form, who worked hard and gave their lives to set up the acting studios and share their expertise through books – to nurture the hopefuls like me. And I think of all the other actors out there who stake their lives on a dream (and wait tables or write on the side). And so on.

When I think about things in this “big picture” kind of way, I experience a tremendous feeling of humility.

And I draw tremendous strength from this humility.



It seems there are a lot of big name celebrities (and other people) these days who are pretty caught up in themselves. Some of these people seem to think they’re a personal incarnation of God.

I don’t actually have any problem with these people – if it helps them perform better to be a conceited asshole, fine by me. I don’t really give a shit, to be honest.

But what does strike me as pathetic about the celebrity God-complex is how much these people seem to rely on the spotlight for their self-worth. What happens if their gift or ability to perform is suddenly taken away (freak accident, etc)? What happens when they get old? When people stop constantly shoving microphones in their face and kissing their ass? What then?

These people have over-inflated senses of pride, and like with all over-inflated bubbles, something will eventually (inevitably) burst (see “Super Bubble”: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=90328243). Consequences often aren’t pretty.

If you ground yourself in humility, however, you are invincible to this kind of weakness.

Seriously, if I lost a limb in a car accident tomorrow (and that would pretty definitively preclude me from most roles, I’d say), I’d be pissed, probably even devastated, but my sense of self-worth, my sense of pride – I’m confident all of this would stay strong for me and remain intact. And that’s because I’m aware that in the grand scheme of things, I’m just one more hopeful actor in a slew of them, all of us playing one infinitesimally small role in the vast and illustrious history of all of theatre.

So what if things don’t pan out for me in particular? Things will go on w/o me, and I’ll channel my talents elsewhere.

Knowing I can handle this truth gives me incredible strength.

Humility gives me incredible strength.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s hard to develop this kind of mindset (it took me a long time). And as someone with a pocketful of dreams (shoutout to Alicia Keys), I know very well what it’s like to feel like you’re constantly in revolution on the inside – to feel that explosive desire for the chance to show the world what you’re made of.

But coming to terms with my own insignificance, and my own humility – that has been a great source of strength for me.



And I take great pride in the fact that I’m able to do it - able to stay humble - day in and day out. In my mind, that alone makes me a sweeter human being than a lot of the self-absorbed (sometimes even talented) people out there.

Recently, I started reading Oscar Wilde’s “De Profundis.” When I get the chance to finish it, I’ll put up a post on it (lots of good relevant stuff). But for now, I suggest that you listen to Fort Minor's "Remember the Name" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ska8_JAtL8)

Despite the song’s title, note how even someone w/the ghetto mentality can channel pride into loyalty (to one’s clique) and artistry, rather than money and status.

Note humility for opportunity.

Note how being humble does not preclude you from striving, and how it can actually serve as a strength and a source of pride.

Check back in for more on Pride! Future posts won't be this abstract, I promise…

-David

Update

Hey all,

Just a heads up - I'll be spending a lot of time now freelancing and working on a book, among other things, so I'll be blogging more sporadically.

I should still be able to do one or two posts a week, but I won't be able to pull the 20+ entries in a month anymore.

Please stay with me - keep reading!

-David

P.S. Check out the new feedback box Colin installed - if you ever want to reach me via email (about anything at all), go ahead and give me a shout!

[nsn_quick_feedback]