As I think about the future of this blog, I face a dilemma.
To tell or not to tell? That is the question.
Privacy can be a contentious issue in American society, and there has even been debate over whether or not the right to privacy is protected by the United States Constitution (if not explicitly, then implicitly). Constitutions in ten of the states do explicitly recognize the right to privacy.
The fact that we live in the Digital/Information Age only complicates the issue. This is certainly the case when it comes to blogging.
At first glance, blogging seems to be the very antithesis of privacy. By the very virtue of starting a blog, you essentially state to the world, “I have something to say worth your time! Come read my words!”
That is, you invite people to enter your world.
So you share. You bless the world with your thoughts on whatever it is that is so important to you, or on whatever strikes your fancy.
But where to draw the line? At what point does sharing become oversharing?
Yes, blogging is not a very private thing to do. But there are things to consider. Reputation. Possible future regrets. Family and friends. Their reputations and possible future regrets.
Thus far, I think I’ve managed to limit my material exclusively to myself, but who knows what or whom I will choose to write about in the future? I know I must tread carefully once other people – especially people I care about, but all people in general – come into play.
Even when it comes to myself, I experience tension in choosing what to include. While I can be a very outgoing person, in my heart of hearts I am also one of the most private people I know.
Elizabeth Cady Stanton once delivered an address before the Committee of the Judiciary of the United States Congress (1892), titled the “The Solitude of Self.” She delivered it to help sway minds in the fight to ratify what was at the time the Sixteenth Amendment (in favor of women’s suffrage), but it’s appropriate here too. There’s some incredible stuff in there – I definitely recommend you check it out – but here’s one quote that fits my purpose for now:
"In youth our most bitter disappointments, our brightest hopes and ambitions, are known only to ourselves. Even our friendship and love we never fully share with another; there is something of every passion, in every situation, we conceal. Even so in our triumphs and our defeats."
(Thank you, University of Chicago, for putting Elizabeth Cady Stanton on my radar)
What she gets at is that although we are social beings, we are also fundamentally private beings. It would be foolish, and frankly impossible, to share every little detail of every experience with someone. For one thing, you’d lose your voice. But there are also some things we know and feel and experience, but simply can’t – and shouldn’t – articulate.
It’s been said that we Americans have no understanding of the value of privacy. Always gawking at celebrities on TV, and when that’s not available, gossiping about each others’ lives behind each others’ backs.
I do find the existence of the paparazzi to be pretty disappointing.
But to get back to the original point.
I admit, when I first started this entry, I was thinking of one person – my father.
My father is a man who has been everything to me.
His presence – and absence – profoundly shaped my youth.
When I struggled with the severest of my depression, he was my teacher, my cheerleader, my researcher, my friend, and my advocate.
He was my crutch.
But he is the most private of men, and someone who hates to talk about difficulties.
He hates this blog.
I respect that.
But everything being considered today, I choose to move forward and continue to share my life with you – even some of the more private moments. I hope that is alright.
-David
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It seems like every person has their own experiences and difficulties they have to deal with, but finding a figure to help support them and keep them up is always essential to pulling out of it. I know I have friends and my family to help w/ that role for me, and hope others can find that as well.
ReplyDeleteAndrew, thanks for your very thoughtful comment! I agree, having people around you who care about you and understand your situation goes a long way, both in terms of prevention AND recovery. Unfortunately, not everybody can find such a supportive community, but hopefully we will be able to create such a community to fill this gap! Here is a quote I like by Thomas Nerney of the Center for Self-Determination (it's his hope for the future):
ReplyDelete"We will interact with, bump into, get to know and be friends with people with disabilities in all of the places and occasions where we spend our time. No one will be missing. In our churches, service clubs, sports teams, places of work, breakfast clubs, fall fairs, and shopping malls, we will find ourselves in the presence of and getting to know people with disabilities…We will build an inclusive community where all people are invited, welcomed, and expected to become one of us. Tolerance is not the issue—membership and belonging are."
Thanks for reading! Keep it up!
-David
While privacy is a matter of respect in most cases, I wonder if the issue between you and your father is a matter of taste in how you deal with your problems or the versions of depression each of you may have witnessed in yourselves and others.
ReplyDeleteSome people deal best with their depression (or anxiety, or what have you) by reflecting silently and shutting off the voices of the world. Sometimes, mental problems come from the fact that you hear all the outside noise of the world drowning out the voice of your own feelings. This makes the sufferer feel powerless and it is quite demeaning. Perhaps, this is the version of depression/any problem that your father is thinking about when he explains that he thinks it is better to keep your problems in the private sphere.
Other sorts of depression arise from isolation, and in this case, opening up is a much better way to go, because it allows you to feel connected. Not only do individuals suffering of lonely depression feel better knowing that someone can understand why they act a certain way, but hopefully, they create meaning in their own suffering by telling another sufferer that they can identify.
I was hearing a doctor speak one of these days, and he mentioned that depression is a terrible diagnosis because it is one of the few diagnoses named after the symptom and not the cause. It is like diagnosing someone with “chest pain,” which really may indicate a heart attack, shortness of breath, a panic attack, grief, etc. You are supposed to treat each one of those in VERY different ways. As a matter of fact, if you treat someone that has chest pain with nitroglycerin because you suspect a heart condition, and his or her problem is grief, you might do serious harm to his or her health.
Similarly, the doctor explained that depression may be caused by very different things: stress (overstimulation), boredom (understimulation), a particular event in life, loneliness, etc. Therefore, if you tell someone who is lonely to sit and think by themselves you might be worsening the problem by isolating them, it is the equivalent of giving them nitroglycerin for a nonexistent heart condition.
Meditating and creating boundaries might be the appropriate solution for someone who is depressed because too many people are on his or her back, but not for someone who finds joy in company, and is depressed because he or she does not have enough human connections.
Of course, the lesson in the end is that we all need moderation: all individuals need the right kind of respectful company. As you said, we are social animals as well as private beings, paradoxically enough. However, the cause for imbalance in the lives of our two hypothetically depressed individuals are different, and their solutions are therefore, also different. Something that still needs to be understood in the treatment of depression by pill pushing professionals* and laypeople, even those that mean the absolute best, is that depression arises for many different reasons, and it warrants many different solutions, even if we are trying to arrive at the same goal of living a balanced** (yet exciting!) life.
*Some professionals are much more sensible to these differences; I do not mean to reduce the field of health care providers to a caricature of the ineffective providers. I was just referring to the ones that have you out the office after telling you “pill, exercise.”
**Contrary to what some of my peers think, balance does not mean a boring routine. One sees too many people wreak havoc on their lives in the search for catharsis and meaning when a balanced life can have excitement and meaning too.
Marina,
ReplyDeleteThis is a wonderful response, packed full of insight. I tremendously appreciate your taking time to read and think and write, and I will respond in a completely separate post as soon as I possibly can (read: once I get in my application to the Unreasonable Institute)!
-David